Relatable Trauma and Drama!

I never intended to write about this part of my life. I thought walking away was enough. I told myself that finding the strength to leave would be the closure that I needed after surviving 9 1/2 years of hell. I figured that therapy would help me gain understanding of why people intentionally hurt me and that would be enough to push me towards healing fully. I took accountability for my actions, for everything I did wrong and for everything I did right; I accepted that my karma was mine to carry. But where I went wrong was believing that my healing would inspire theirs. Maybe somehow, the person who broke me would come to terms with the damage they did to me, and an unspoken form of forgiveness would settle everything. If I could find it in me to forgive someone who hollowed me out into a shell of a woman, shouldn’t I be worthy of forgiveness, too?

The answer is simple. I was a good person, but I had been groomed to believe this pain was normal… that it should be forgiven time after time. My heart never changed, but my personality had to in order to protect it. To understand that, you must understand this:

I become the villain in everyone’s origin story because I refuse to be blamed for others shortcomings. If I can take accountability for my actions, so can everyone else. For a long time, I kept silent about what he had been telling people about me, losing friends I had grown over the last decade, and looking like an absolute psychopath to him and his family. Imagine being so jaded by my one “large” mistake after you’ve done nothing but burn me and break me down for almost 10 years, that you lie to people so you can keep up your good guy persona. Classic narcissism.

The nine circles of hell have nothing on the 9 1/2 years I spent with that man…. and his mother. Enjoy my side, not because it is the truth, but because his was a lie.

Limbo: Described as people who have lived but without God. Hell had no punishment, but they were forever separated from light.

I was enamored by this man from the moment he entered the room. I knew deep in my chest that loving him would cost me everything. I was right. From day one, I never knew where I stood. He left me in Limbo. The truth never lived in his words; but only in his actions. The first year? I was sharing him with 3 other women. The ex-girlfriend clinging to “family”, the side chick (who was always there in the background of all his relationships), she didn’t fit his aesthetic, though, so he never took her seriously, and the barely legal coworker who was also content with being another secret in all of his relationships.

And then there was I. Sitting in silence, confused and sad, wondering why he even involved me in the first place. Looking back, I had a beautiful relationship with myself before him. That version of me, unfortunately, didn’t survive. Eventually, he narrowed his chaos down to just me and his ex. She and I battled it out for years. Ironically, there was a moment when she and I tried to save each other, and in hindsight, I think he may have destroyed her more than he ever did me. We don’t hate her in this story, even though she’s said and done some awful things to me. If it had never been for him, we probably could’ve been friends in a different life.

Lust: Described as those who are overcome by carnal desire and those who lack self-control.

The entire reason we connected was because we were being swept into a circle of sex and passion. I had never been with anyone who loved so sweetly and kissed so softly. I was drawn in and drowned by a version of him that never truly existed. That softness vanished quickly, and I spent nearly a decade chasing the memory of it. What felt like love and passion, ended up being just lust and eventually turned into me being a personal pornstar. I was guilted to forever please him or he’d find it elsewhere. This continued for years until I finally shared how I felt, to which he responded, “I didn’t know you felt that way,” but continued to do it until I said enough.

I left him during the pandemic, but briefly came back and spent one drunken night with him that I will never forget. I fell asleep in his arms, and he whispered to me the next morning that he had stayed awake the entire night because he just wanted to savor the moment. It was the sweetest thing he had said to me in years. It was just what my heart needed to hear from him and he pulled me right back in. However, when I decided to come back, he ran from me once again, this time faster than he did his first family. I should have let go right then; I knew the sweetness would never return. He took advantage of my vulnerability and I clung to him again for another 2 years.

Gluttony: Described as people who indulge in excess and chase comfort at all costs.

Back to the beginning, after almost a year of dating, I felt it was normal to talk about moving in together. He fought me on it every chance he could get. I learned later that it was because he wanted freedom to cheat on me while living at his mom’s. We took a break at our one-year anniversary because I found out he was telling his ex that he wanted to be with her instead, so I let him go be with her. A week later, he was at my door begging me to take him back.

When we finally moved in together shortly after (of course, it was against his mother’s wishes), I felt we were connected more than ever. I was the happiest I had ever been, and I thought we were finally building something real. We spent every morning together while I made pancakes for the boys, and we spent every evening together while I made dinner for our little family, but of course, that was all I got from him. The rest of his time went to games, online friends, and his overindulgence in alcohol. I knew he was a gamer when we entered this relationship, and I accepted that about him. I saw how happy it made him, and I loved him so much that all I ever wanted was for him to be happy. These online friends eventually turned against me because he would talk shit about me and tell them lies, and I never knew the reasoning behind it. Maybe they made fun of him for being with me, I know my friends certainly roasted me for being with him.

Once we settled into our new life together, we quickly realized that drinking was one of our many commonalities. We started out enjoying just beers together. Then, it was beers and shots until we grew a tolerance, and then it became just liquor. The addiction grew larger and larger until it became a violent problem. He once drank so much that he ripped a door off the hinges and threw it at me in front of our company. I spent many nights crying myself to sleep while he slept soundly and then woke up and went to work without apologizing. I powered through these days by working so hard at my job, getting promotion after promotion, thinking that would make him proud of me, because all he did was tell me that his mom thought I was useless. I ended up spending too many years, all my emotions, and endless amounts of money trying to impress these two people that will never be impressed by me because they just wanted to fuck each other.

Greed: Described as hoarders and wasteful spenders.

I had always been a single mother. My son’s dad was never a prominent figure in his life. I worked 3 jobs until my son was 4. The only relief I ever got was when it came to my tax returns. Two separate years, after this man and his family had shamed me for my shortcomings, I gave over $8,000 to help pay down his student loan so he could go back to school and get his degree to get a “big boy” job. I had hoped it would be enough for him to see that I wanted to support and uplift him for OUR future. Unfortunately, all he did was pocket the money, only to tell me later that I owed it to him when HE became mentally “unwell”. I had struggled with mental health issues for a greater part of our relationship, and even attempted to kill myself at one point, as much as I am embarrassed to admit that, he gave me the turning point I needed. I realized then that he would never be what I needed, mentally or physically. This was years into us being together, and it took me leaving in the pandemic to open my eyes just a little and see who he really was.

He continued to receive money in my name fraudulently during the pandemic after talking shit and mocking my hardships with his family, giving them ammo to hate me further.

Wrath: Described as those who are consumed by anger, cruelty, and indifference.

I became angry in the relationship, but it was initially silent. I gave him everything. All my money, all my youth, all my time and dedication. What did he have to be angry about? He snapped his fingers, and I jumped. He raised his voice, and I got quiet. One of our mutual friends tried to explain that what he was doing to me was wrong. He said, “We both know she isn’t going anywhere“, with a smirk on his face.

He was right, for a while, I didn’t.

Even after he slept with the side chick that never went away, in the same week we moved in together. I stayed even after she finally came clean to me that they were together, but he told her lies like I was crazy, jobless, and that he left me. She eventually had a change of heart when she was 6 months pregnant and decided to get it off her chest. However, it was always a heavy burden on my heart because I knew deep down that her kid was his, and I still stayed. She follows me now on TikTok. I will say this one time and one time only: this wouldn’t become the first time he has abandoned his child to be with another woman.

Heresy: Described as those who denied truth, faith, and morality.

I denied my own reality for far too long. I made excuses after excuses for him. At some point, I befriended the mother of his child, hoping for a blended family because I thought he would eventually see that we could rise above it all. Instead, I lost myself. I envied her for surviving just like I used to before he drained me. I thought if she were my friend, he couldn’t erase her at the hands of his mother. Their son always has and always will mean the world to me. I wanted him to be happy, too. Unfortunately, it turned into my heart being the worst part of me; it backfired entirely and was then used against me at the end. The truth is the women are never the problem; he is. I was just another chapter in the book of women he uses and discards when they no longer serve his purpose. He’s fantastic at pitting women against each other, but he never got a reaction out of me because I will never blame another woman for a man’s failures and lies.

Violence: Divided into 3 rings – Violence against others, violence against self, violence against nature.

Everyone loves to target me as the alcoholic only because he eventually stopped drinking, but it was him who encouraged it. He made me feel like I needed to be drunk to be desirable, and he always used alcohol to soften my resistance when he wanted to use my tired body. I will never forgive him for constantly incorporating alcohol to achieve whatever agenda it was, instead of just leaving me and finding someone he could tolerate. I am in no way blaming him for my drinking habits, but I know I would have never become a heavy drinker if it weren’t for him consistently pushing it.

He was such a good person on paper. I built him up to be the person he was in my head, but he was never that person in real life. Who he really was was someone who got drunk and pulled a knife on people. He pushed and shoved me until I was weak. He let our children see him restrain me by my neck late at night after his commotion woke them up. His family will never understand that this is who he is. His sister once told me, “He is too lazy to be this way.” However, his abuse took on many forms, and he mastered all of them. He broke me down and made me think this was normal….

Fraud: Described as those who deceive for personal gain.

From year 1 to year 9, the man was a fraud. In 9 years, I could barely tell you what he did for me or my son that was wonderful, loving, or productive. My son eventually chose to break ties on his own. I am sure this man could say the same about me, and I would find that to be a fair assumption. I was at my laziest when I was with him. He never gave me a reason to be better. He just put me down, out loud and in silence. Year after year, I was smart and tried to leave. I knew he was never going to commit. I just never had the strength to stay away. His empty words will haunt me until the day I die. I will die never knowing why he strung me along all those years. His entire family eventually convinced him that I was after his money. Maybe I would agree if he had money, but he was just a waitress at a hole-in-the-wall restaurant and used everyone to save money instead of using his own. His previous roommates paid his bills, expecting him to pay them back. He never paid for anything for his child, hospital bills, school clothes, or supplies. Mommy did it all for him. This man had commitment issues so hard that he couldn’t even subscribe to streaming services on his own. He always used Mommy’s accounts and my Netflix, well into my new relationship. There was no money. He had a semi-large savings account built on other people’s money.

Treachery: Described as the lowest and coldest circle. Where the worst traitors reside. Here lies the betrayal of the deepest kind: against love, loyalty, and the sacred trust of the heart.

He took my innocence. “I know she will never lie to me because she has a pure heart.”

The worst betrayal was taking advantage of the heart that just wanted to love him.

He took my youth. “We don’t have to have kids right now; let’s enjoy life.”

Taking advantage of my naivety, knowing damn well he never wanted kids with me. For the record, he could have let me go and have more kids with anyone who would have loved me for me. He ruined my ability to have more children.

He took my time. “We will get married someday.” Knowing that was all I wanted in life was to be a wife, because he didn’t want to have more kids.

He took my money. “I’m just saving it because you can’t.” Knowing I just wanted to join our money so we could grow it together and be bigger and better together.

He can tell people whatever version of the story that makes him feel or look better, but what he can’t do is erase the endless love I gave him, the trauma that I survived, and the sons that I protected, his and mine.

He can tell everyone that I walked out heartless, but the truth is, he never gave me anything to stay for. Only when he fixes himself will he realize why I had to leave for good.

He only graduated from high school by having other girls do his homework for him, so he probably can’t read this. But when one of you nosey bitches reads this for him, let him know I said this:

You can call me the villain all you want, but villains don’t abandon their kids for a fresh start. I stayed when you wouldn’t. I loved when you couldn’t. And I left when you thought I never would. If you want to tell the “truth” about me, you should tell people how I stopped bleeding quietly for you.

“So how much sad did you think I had in me? How much tragedy? Just how low did you think I’d go, before I’d self implode, before I have to go be free?“

Author’s Note:

I have hesitated posting this for quite some time now. I have always used words as therapy and writing as communication. I have never been scared to tell my side of the story; I have never been scared to tell my truth and never will be. I am NOT innocent in this story, but I was for far too long. My good heart was taken advantage of, and I thought I was ruined until I met my now husband. He picked up my heart and soul from the dust they were left in and rebuilt me from pieces so small that I barely even recognized them. I wanted to share my side after so long because I know a lot of women stay quiet out of exhaustion. I did too. I lived this story for too long to let it only belong to him. I hope this story can now belong to someone who needs to read it. Find your voice and fight back. He doesn’t have to be the end of you. He might just be the beginning of who you become.

Thank you to everyone who has proofread this blog, time and time again, for the last 8 months. I am my own worst critic, and I was so in my head about posting it because I wanted it to be the perfect reflection of the pain and healing that got me this far.