Relatable Trauma and Drama!

To set the stage, it’s October 1999…

If you know me, you know my mother and how she raised me; I was on a tight leash. There was very little wiggle room, and I was never allowed to even breathe if she wasn’t there to approve it. BUT, on this warm Arizona October night, she allowed me to breathe for just a moment.

I state that it was a warm October night for a reason. Halloween is an important holiday for all kids. In this case, this was my first “haunted house” experience, and I spent many hours working to let a certain “boy” know that he was QUITE LITERALLY my version of Aaron Carter, and that I needed him to be my boyfriend immediately. He agreed to “go on a date” with me because our moms were forcing us, but ultimately, I just wanted him to walk me through the haunted house and keep me safe. While our parents were getting acquainted, my crush had left me for a group of popular girls who ended up at the same gathering.

Imagine just little 9 year old me, ready to walk into a haunted house… alone…

That could have been the case. Maybe life would have been different. However, someone ended up saving me. I walked into that haunted house alone, scared entirely, but walked out hand-in-hand with a boy who kept me feeling safe the entire time.

You could never steal the memory from me… I walked in that haunted house… I stopped and almost turned back. He came up behind me and then grabbed my hand… I looked at him, and he looked at me. We looked forward, and he guided me through the entire haunted house. I still look back at that moment and think about how much of a man he was to me. He didn’t wince once, and he never showed fear; he protected me, and that was important to me.

Fast forward to 2026, and I know a little better now what love is about. Adoration, loyalty, compromise, respect. These are all major things needed for love to survive. A man is also meant to keep you safe and warm. To be a safe haven where women can feel soft and intimate.

However, this is where I sign off on men. Knowing what I know now, men will always destroy you. This isn’t about hating men; I am, unfortunately, designed to love them, but I wish they had been created better.

I happened to acquire a lovely man in 2022. I honestly thought he was just another regular dude. This one fought hard for me, almost harder than the rest. I thought that made him the elite of my choices, but I should have been wary. The bar was so low, it was in hell. I was too naive and heartbroken to realize that is what happens when someone preys on your vulnerability.

The man acquired in 2022 was the same one from 1999 who walked me through the worst moment of my life, thus far. Hallmark would thrive writing this love story, and I don’t want to be proud of that. But honestly, let me preface by saying that love has always been a facade for me. I have spent my entire life looking for “The Notebook” type of love. There is no such thing, because love is just what you make it. The same man who walked me through the scary became my scary.

In the fall of 2022, I was confused, lost, and navigating life all over again on my own for the first time. I was doing really well for myself. I had a solid job that I LOVED. I enjoyed the people that I worked with, and life was good. I had been dissociating from past trauma and trying to make myself better than what I had been. I wanted to be a better and genuine person, one who didn’t have to fight to explain that I was better than how I appear. Again, I was really doing well for myself…

As a minor joke with the girls at work, I joined Bumble to help a girlfriend out. She was shy… I am not. So I figured that if I joined and helped walk her through it, she could find someone she enjoyed or was happy with, and if not, at least be comfortable with using apps. As I was swiping… I saw him. 1999. As a joke, I swiped and then texted him. It was history from there. He said all the right things. “I swiped right because no one else deserves you.”

He and I had always been in short contact with each other over the years. Like when he was traveling, he sent me a picture of a “Cass County” and when I had questions about military experience, he was always there to answer me and give me direction. We shared pictures of our kids and their growth. We shared our breakups and misfortunes with people who didn’t appreciate us. For so many years, I denied him entry into my heart. He was still that little boy who saved me back when my heart needed saving. I had been through so much from age 15 to 33… I couldn’t bear giving him that part of me to heal. He also had a lot of baggage from childhood, all the way to him being cheated on while he was deployed and serving our country.

“A con man sells a fool a get-love-quick scheme”

He promised me a love that I had never seen before. He would truly and deeply love me. He said I was always great, just how he imagined. He pulled all the words he knew would get to me. Because I was weak and he knew I trusted him. How can I not trust him? I have known him my entire life. He wouldn’t hurt me….. He ended up just being “Mr. Steal your girl and make her cry.” I am such a sucker for love that I still tell myself that he loved me in the best ways until he didn’t…

“The sickest Army doll, purchased at the mall”

I spent so many years explaining to people that he was rough around the edges because of his time in the Army. I made so many excuses for this man. I made excuses. That is it!

I have been this man’s “best friend” for years. He will tell you that I am his ONLY friend. I couldn’t tell you a single war story he carries with him. I only know about his awards because he recently decided to display them. I know he has certain bracelets for KIA mates. He always told me I was closed off to him and that I wasn’t honest or true. Which is fair, I can take accountability for also being closed off from my trauma. However, you can’t judge too much when you have PTSD so bad that you don’t share things with the person you chose to be with for life. He recently sent me a TikTok about how it takes a certain type of woman to love a veteran, and that was just another one of his digs, letting me know I would never be the woman he desires or needs.

“We were just kids, babe”

He imagines me as this little girl, the girl who was 7 when we met. He was 8, and then we had a connection that one time in the haunted house. He expects me to take him back to that time in his life to heal him. I tried so hard to heal him here and now. I tried to heal his childhood trauma by loving him and showing him how good a mom I am. But he just fought me on the fact that I wasn’t a good mom. Because his mom wouldn’t do the things I would do. It never mattered how hard I tried to prove to him that I was the woman for him. He will always find a reason to hate me. My first sign should have been how he treated his mom. She worked her ass off to raise two boys as a single mom, and she did the absolute best she could. Unfortunately, both of her boys harbor a quiet resentment and will always show it in their marriages or dating lives.

“Does it feel alright to not know me?”

I hate that one day I will forget about you because I loved you so deeply. I loved you more than anyone ever has. In the beginning, I rubbed my favorite scar after doing a night of self-care with you, and you broke down in tears and told me no one has ever loved you like I did. I will never forget that moment when you opened up to me just enough to recognize that I truly gave you my entire heart. It will haunt me for the rest of my days. But you were so shut down and closed off with me. I could never forgive you for what you have done to me or how you have treated me. You have scared me in ways I never thought I should be, in love. You made me feel so safe, and then you took it away from me because you were insecure in yourself. You will move on and tell your new flavor that I was the worst. I think that is the worst part to me because I wasn’t… I loved every inch of you. Your scars were my favorite. Your history was my entire personality. No one could love you like I did, and I know that for an actual fact. I hope you think of me for the rest of your life. If I could wish for anything for you, it wouldn’t be the best. It would be the memory of me and my love for you, to haunt you until you take your final breath.

“But your good Lord doesn’t need to lift a finger, I can fix him, no, really, I can.”

I spent so many years thinking that I could save this man. I wanted his bad-boy persona so badly. He was sexy to me because he was untouchable. He only wanted me. What a wild thing to convince someone of. He targeted me and preyed on my weakness. I wish I were stronger back then. He used me. Everything he said to me was a projection. He called me a gold-digger once. He didn’t like it when I told him he didn’t have any gold to dig. Sure, he has a nice job that helps him take care of himself, but that is all. There is no extra for anyone but himself. I struggled financially our entire marriage, and he was out opening $10k credit cards to buy golf clubs. I was just someone to pay half the bills so he could have more money for himself. He thought he was doing me a service by paying just the rent and car insurance. But I paid for everything else. He ate well every night on my dime and couldn’t even do the dishes. And then, every time he was mad at me, he would remind me that he had given my son and me a place to live. You don’t do that in a healthy relationship. You share the responsibilities and weight. If someone makes more money, maybe they pull that weight, and the one who makes less pulls the house weight. I think 90% of people would agree with that. This man never lifted a finger to clean a god-damn thing because I respected his monetary weight. I spent more of my marriage trying to convince him that I loved him and only him than he ever spent in our marriage actually loving and respecting me. There is no saving that man because he is trash covered in glitter. I know now not to be attracted to anything just because it is shiny.

“Who the fuck was that guy?”

Honestly, who are you? You brought out the absolute ugliness in me. Instead of walking away like a real man would, you kept pushing and made me stay. You wanted me as a prize so bad, and then you treated me so poorly, like you told me I deserved. You had the nerve to open-hand slap me in the face, choke me, and make me fear for my life. You spent a night in jail and still turned it on me. A real man would have chosen to walk away, but you couldn’t because you couldn’t live with someone else being with me. You chose to break me down and hurt me every hour of every day in order to make me pay for something you were hurt by ages ago. You shit-talked me to my face and then got mad that I would shit-talk you in private with the only people I could vent to. You were so insecure that the world would finally see you for who you are. They all saw who you were, long before I did. Not a single person in my family or friend circle ever told me to question my decision to leave you. They all told me individual stories and interactions they had with you, and they said they were scared for me. THEY HID THAT FROM ME OUR ENTIRE MARRIAGE. Because they knew I would just try to protect you.

I want to make an honorable mention to the women in your future because I know they will find me….. Your first wife also had a run-in with you when it came to domestic violence. If I could go back in time and see just ONE of your many red flags, it would have been that one. You are familiar with putting your hands on women and then degrading them until they hate you and leave you. I should’ve cheated. But I value the version of my marriage that you were never a part of. I was a good fucking wife. You were always just a terrible husband.

“You said I needed a brave man, then proceeded to play him, until I believed it too.”

You had me believing that the men I had loved before you never gave me anything. They never showed me love like you did. It was all gaslighting. Tanner paid my bills because he loved me so much; he didn’t want me struggling. Mark loved me so hard that he healed a huge part of my childhood by taking me to see my boyband dreams and helping heal a part of me that desperately needed it. YOU made me break him, because you hated that he was better looking than you.

Daniel…. he showed me a romance I will never experience again in this life or the next. And I know that is why you hated him. You saw those old texts, and you KNEW only he could love me properly, like you never could. That is exactly why you hated him so much and crashed out so hard that you put your hands on me and caught a charge. You could never treat someone with that kind of love, and it bothered you that I had experienced that before you. Twist it how you want it for your new girls. You are too old now to be gaslighting grown women. I know you are aware that you will only stoop low enough for women who don’t have fully developed frontal lobes. Says more about you than it does me, but it is honestly embarrassing to bear your name while you make these disgusting decisions. You give me the absolute ick, and I thrive on that to get me over this pain of wasting my time when I could’ve married anyone better, literally.

“I left all I knew; you left me at the house by the Heath”

You preyed on my sadness over a relationship that was dead, but that I wasn’t ready to part with. You viewed me as a consolation prize and then told everyone that I cheated. We started, and I led you on, yes. However, you knew I wasn’t over him. We were just a casualty of me ending that relationship, and you chose to punish me for it when I chose you instead of him. I had to heal in silence when you forced me to end that relationship. You had the full capability to never talk to me again. However, you chose to make sure I would only end up yours. Healing in silence, marrying you, and then continuing to take the verbal abuse about how you couldn’t trust me, is what makes me stronger every day when I think about how I can get over you in due time. You FORCED me into this and then hated me for it… and I just wanted to love you for saving me from that repeated cycle I couldn’t break away from. You will never admit to anyone that you knew I was still entangled with another man, and you were happy to steal me away. How you would FaceTime him from my phone and tell him, “I’m with your bitch” or how you messaged him that you came inside me, so he should “let that thing air out” before he uses it. OR, how about the time you held me hostage at my job and wouldn’t let me leave until you told him that you were fucking me and wanted me to leave him for you?

“How much sad did you think I had in me?”

For so many years, you just connected imaginary dots. You thought I was doing things I shouldn’t have been. Because of how we started. We started on a bad note, but you still CHOSE to marry me. Then you reminded me, EVERYDAY that you chose me. You CHOSE to marry me. Why did you hate me so much then? Because what I did was pre-marriage. I still stand by what I said: I never did anything wrong in our marriage. Whatever you have to tell yourself to fight, why are you okay with moving on so quickly? Your proof contained both old and new messages. You were just mad he spoke to me in the old messages, more romantically than you ever treated me… I learned that is why you hated it when other men talked to me. Because you KNEW they could treat me better. That is why you kept me from the public. I only wanted to love you, but you felt I would find something better. So you wanted to make sure I never did.

I gained the strength to leave you and your abusive ways. You dissociated so quick so you could immediately justify your dating profile. I will be posting this to my socials so that your future prospects can stalk me and understand that I am NOT the bad guy. They can find out from me that you have a mugshot for putting your hands on me. They can see that your second marriage failed because you refuse to heal from whatever trauma you have and don’t want to recognize. I hope they learn this about you before they fall in love with you. I wish I had.

“The voices in his head, called the rain to end our days of wild”

You refuse to heal your PTSD. From the Army and your Ex-Wife. You made me a casualty, and I hope you add it to your bracelets that sit on that bottle of expensive whiskey I had specially made for you. I didn’t have to go to war to reserve the right to those badges you earned. You gave me enough trauma in 3 years, I just don’t get free money out of it like you do. I didn’t have to live through gunfights to earn those decorated medals; I just had to be married to you to have the same amount of trauma. I know you will laugh at that, because you are the most disrespectful person I have ever met, but you can laugh at me while understanding that you ruined the only person who will ever love you for WHO you are. Not what you offer. I loved that you came from nothing. I loved that you grew yourself on your own. I loved that your mom was crazy and you were embarrassed. I loved that you were destined to travel and be forever anywhere else than Phoenix. I chose to love you even though you have very little to do with your son who is the best Inderrieden I have ever met. You begged me not to, because your baby mama would ask for more money from you. I hope you read this and feel like trash, for all the years you made me feel like trash when I parented my son without help from a man. And I hope you point out how you helped me with my son, so you can take credit for him and not your own. I loved you so hard for being rough around the edges and protective, but when I needed protecting, you were never there. You could never love me enough to protect me from you. You were the fucking worst to me, and I know you know that. You paid the rent, but you didn’t provide a damn thing for me. Being a provider means you give me a safe place to stay. You just paid for the place you wanted to stay at while you tore me down and made me feel like shit because you hate women.

“I got cursed like Eve got bitten”

Was this my punishment? I think so… you were my cosmic karma for loving two men at once. I swore to the cosmos that when you chose me, I would love you and only you. And I did. You can twist it or play it however you would like. But only God and the Universe know how hard I loved you. If I did you dirty, I wouldn’t have had the universe’s support when I left you. You were left with nothing but MY help. You are lucky I helped you.

“My friends said it isn’t right to be scared, everyday of a love affair, every breath feels like rarest air”

I constantly walked on eggshells with you. I am not sure how you thought that was okay to treat a woman. I really don’t see myself in a situation outside of being with you, where I don’t feel safer now than ever I did with you. You have tactics and experience, but what you don’t have is love. You can’t love someone hard enough to protect them like you did your country. That being said, what did your country do for you? Besides fuck you up? Be honest…. You would rather hold your medals closer than you ever hold a woman you claimed to love.

“Just how low did you think I’d go, before I self-implode?”

The actual fact that you really thought I would just deal with your violence and verbal abuse. I will give an honorable mention to my son, who saw the first act of violence since he was 1 year old, when he was 15. He watched you shove me because you were insecure. You could never regulate your emotions, and said I was the one who was too much? I loved you so fucking hard, and all you were to me was a fucking dumpster of a human. When you met me, the bar was in hell. You made the bar so fucking low that heaven looks normal. You are an absolute demon to society and not even in a good way. I hope your Mother heals from having a pair of two absolute shitty ass children. She doesn’t deserve to be tied to some of the worst people on this planet.

“But you can only be so strong, so long, before you break”

You sent me this song and acted like you would be the man to make my life better. You were honestly a piece of shit. I know you feel that way too. Wanna know how I know why? Because you ran from everything when I tried to hold you accountable. It was so easy for you to run and move your life to another expensive place, than it was to just work hard and be a good person. A good husband. You couldn’t prove to me that a single lyric to this song was true. Because you are a fraud.

I want to give an honorable mention to a couple of strong ass women.

Kelly: You did your best. Your sons may be successful, but they aren’t nice people. And that isn’t a reflection on you. They actively choose to be weird in life. You are beautiful, you are strong, you are a wonderful human. I love you and I will see you for our next planned lunch.

Viviana: I know you have been through hell and back. If you are happy where you are, I will wish you the best in everything. Your children are amazing, and I think they are some of the most well-rounded kiddos I have ever seen.

Taylor: GO FOR MORE GIRL! He is trash. DO NOT let him move CLOSER to you and not have Grayson more. 4 days a month is actually awful.

Cassondra:

You deserve the entire fucking world. You will get it. You have been dealt an unfortunate life, but you have always overcome it all. You let one disgusting man dictate your life for 3 years, and now you are ready to make sure this never happens again.

“He saw forever so he smashed it up”

Dylan: I think you are honestly one of the worst people I have ever met in my entire life. I hope you never succeed in life. I actually hope you struggle for the rest of your life. Just like your mom has, and you make fun of her for. I hope you never find an ounce of happiness because you don’t deserve it. I truly feel like you deserve to have nothing in order to realize how fucking awful you are to the people who love you. I know your heart will think you deserve a better blog, but you don’t… You destroyed me to my core. You abandoned me and left me for dead, and then expected credit for my death. I won’t give you that. Good riddance.